i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
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By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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