you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
