I cannot find my penis.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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