You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
