She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
