I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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