The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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