I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Less talking, more tequila
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
