Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
