Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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