He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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