Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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