someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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