I wish they made helmets for livers.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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