No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated