if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.