Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
