were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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