he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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