he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
