the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
where am i from again
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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