I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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