maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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