I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
