You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
