The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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