wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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