So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
