I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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