I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Randomize
