just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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