The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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