I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
