Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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