Im at strip club and am horny
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
