Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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