i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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