I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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