Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
did you just send me my own nude
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
