I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
