We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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