Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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