i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
