you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
