The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
