the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
