is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
