haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
