i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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