all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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