Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
