I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
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i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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