dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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