Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
