you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
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I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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