mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.